After a rather long, non productive weekend, I was hoping Monday would find me feeling more energetic, more ready to roll up my shirt sleeves and take on the world.
No such luck.
I’ve been curiously lethargic of late, a feeling I can usually trace to a lack of scheduled activity or responsibility. I realize I need the impetus of deadlines and appointments to keep my metabolism going, and without them I sink into this torpor of inactivity. I was moping around the house yesterday, needing to do something and not feeling like doing anything.
“Can’t you just relax?” my husband (the master of relaxation) asked me. “After all, you worked every day last week, you deserve some time to just chill out.”
“I don’t do relaxing very well,” I admitted. “It makes me kind of mad.”
Jim just shook his head sorrowfully. “I’m doomed,” he said under his breath, returning to his spot in front of the television.
I do feel mad at myself when I’m not being productive…not writing, not practicing, not exercising, not cleaning or cooking or caring for some elderly relative, not playing with the dogs, or brushing them or walking them, not doing something.
Yet while my mind spins furiously with all these things I should do and should want to do, my body feels awfully stubborn about remaining perched in one spot, complaining with increased aches and stiffness about gardneing or biking, invoking extra effort to read with eyes that can no longer bring fine print into focus.
Today started out brightly enough – I did walk the dogs, make some phone calls, settle in to write (right on schedule!) Yet now that the morning is coming to an end, the prospect of a long afternoon stretches before me and I’m feeling a bit directionless.
As we head toward preparations for back to school, I realize this is the first time in over 10 years that I have no musical “calendar” for the coming year. Scaling back on my musical group participation was deliberate, a way to give myself more flexibility and time to concentrate on other activities. But now I feel pressure to use that time productively, and I’m not quite sure how to do that, or if I’m up to the task. And I’ll admit there’s a certain sadness that comes with the loss of that venue of self expression. There’s also a void in my social life at the moment, since the majority of my friendships revolve around musical activities.
All told, I suppose it’s no surprise that I’m a bit like a lost lamb these days.
Wish me luck as I work my way back to the flock.
Becca's Byline 
I too feel unproductive if I can’t write. That too despite having a job whih is demanding. Teaching maths is not easy.
Lately I have not been able to relax completely. Something blocks my mind..
However, I got back into the writing mode. Do hek out my latest poem:
deeply in love with dracula’s daughter
and tell me what you think of it!
I go through those phases as well but it seems like just when I get into the swing of a bit more relaxed pace, my vacation time is over or activities pick up once again and I’m back in the rat race and wishing I could loll just a bit longer.
I’m sure there will be times when you miss the musical activities, but there were good reasons for stepping away when you did, and hopefully those reasons will bring you new places to go and new people to see soon.
This edginess you’re describing sounds like a totally normal reaction to the changes you’ve made. It’s the nervous call of your old life that fears you’re wandering too close to the deep end, when in fact, you’re just testing the water, getting ready to swim.
If you can stand another analogy, it’s like kids on summer vacation; if they’re always scheduled or have access to easy entertainment, they never have to work through the frustration of boredom and discover what they like to do, what they can do.
Hang in there! And good luck! This is going to work out just fine.
Many years ago a wise older woman told me: don’t let the world “should” on you. I think of her advice often, and have come to realize that I don’t need– or even want– to do so many of the things that I once thought I was supposed to do. It seemed to help me.
Good advice, all ~thanks a bunch.
And Star and Ally Bean – it’s especially good to see you around here 🙂
Much success with things, Becca! You know, it sucks when you want to do and just can’t. I can relate to that a bit… although, I’m more in the direction of your husband when it comes to relaxing. I have no problem not doing a thing! LOL!
I so relate to your post, and I agree with many of the comments already made. This is a big life change for you, of course you’re going to feel a little out of sorts. Sometimes once the reason for my stress/unease is pointed out to me, I feel much better. I hope that’s the case with you! And as for not being able to relax, I can’t help you there. I have the same affliction. Sigh…
I agree with the comment that the word “should” is poison. Dump it if you can at all. I hope you will find that you adjust to your new situation and can value the time you now have.
I agree with Anno. What you’re describing is a natural reaction to a period of transition. You’ve suddenly stopped doing things that were part of your routine for a very long time, and it’s natural to flounder a bit before you find new ways to fill that time. I know what you mean about not being able to relax. I have problems with that too. You deserve to give yourself a little time and to ease into the new adventures that I know will reveal themselves to you soon.
Deadlines have always been a good thing for me. Of course, I often would wait until the last minute but at least it spurred me to do whatever project needed to be done. It was easy when I worked for a newspaper. We ALWAYS knew when the deadlines were.
For some reason I don’t have a problem filling up my time. Perhaps, someday, when I’ve finally decluttered my house and can devote all of my time to things that I want to do, then I’ll feel at a loss to pick something to do. Until then, I’ve got plenty hanging over my shoulder.
I think part of your problem, as others have said in similar ways, is that you have had a certain routine in the past and activities were mapped out for you. Now it’s a matter of deciding what and how to fill up that time.