~getting closer to making a decision about my life next year, i.e., whether to continue with my job at the high school or not. As I was writing morning pages yesterday, it seemed perfectly clear that I needed to give up that job. Then it occurred to me that I continually use the term “give up” when I think about leaving that position, a term you would use about something you were relinquishing against your will. And that is exactly what I will be/would be doing. That job is my labor of love, and I am loathe to “give it up” (there I go again). However, I am exhausted with this feeling that my life is out of control, that all my time is consumed by work (even work I love), and there is no time left for me to take proper care of myself or my family. Something has to give…
~trying to embrace the idea of change, and find the strength to initiate change in my life. While sitting at the piano during a musical rehearsal the other day, I realized the type of work I do as an accompanist perfectly mirrors the way I live my life. Sitting and waiting for my cue, taking direction from someone else, being necessary and important, but always slightly in the background…that’s me, on the bench and off! The months ahead may bring some major (happy!) changes for our family, and I want to be able to direct my own life so that I can take full advantage of them. If you’re watching American Idol this year, I call it the “Melinda Syndrome.” One of the contestants, Melinda Doolittle, has been singing background vocals for several years, and had no idea that she was “good enough” to be a solo star in her own right. How amazing to watch her emerge from her safety zone in the background and discover that she is indeed star material. It’s about time for me to step out like Melinda and stand in the spotlight of my own life for a change!
If only these cobwebs could be handled as neatly as those lurking in the corners of my ceilings and doorways. But it will take more than a quick sweep with the feather duster to eradicate these complex concerns. Hopefully the spring sun will illuminate more than dust bunnies, and shine some new insight into my life.
photo from here